Movie Rant: Cat On a Hot Tin Roof (1958)

cat-on-a-hot-tin-roof

Brick, an alcoholic ex-football player, drinks his days away and resists the affections of his wife, Maggie. His reunion with his father, Big Daddy, who is dying of cancer, jogs a host of memories and revelations for both father and son.


This movie is as old as dirt. I am pretty sure back in the day, there was no Pen Pineapple Apple Pen. Ugh, I want to strangle the cougar bish to death. Annoying song, and I know they used some voodoo magic because the damn song got stuck in my cranium. -slaps self-

Anyhoo, is it just me or all these old movies are confusing as hell. I mean, have you watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s? Let me tell you, I watched it three times and still could not understand it. Audrey, you’s pretty and everything but all I understand is that you’s a fraud and you gotta stop your hustle or imma call the popo. Uhm, and that guy you been seeing? Uhm, yeah. He a prostitute. Yeah. Truth is a bish huh :/

Let me just say that Elizabeth Taylor was a bombshell. They even referred her as a mynx in this movie. A mynx is like a cat. Just like the girl band Little Mynx. You know, they sing Hair and Black Magic and Butterfly. I know, right? Elizabeth Taylor was evolving into a cougar uh huh. Not sure though if she was a Pokemon. Because if she was, she would make the oldest Pokemon on urff.

So, here are my rants:

  1. Confusing as hell. So, Brick and Maggie were husband and wife. Brick did not have sex with Maggie for like 56 years. Brick blamed Maggie for being crippled. Brick had a sister-in-law and nephews and nieces and they all were skanks. When I saw them, I picture this:
    wake-me-up-awake-me-up-inside-alright-kids-all-3590893
    The Brick and Bone guy had issues. He was throwing stuff and he threatened to hit Maggie with his cane in the head. Brick got drunk. Maggie cried. Brick and Maggie had sex. The end. Now, how you expect me to understand all that? I am baffled @.@
  2. Who the hell is big daddy? Who is he? He gave me chills :/ Come near me biggie, Imma hit ya with my bamboo spear.
  3. What is the movie really about? At first I thought it’s a horror movie. You know, a cat got cooked in a hot tin pan or something and the heat hit the roof. Oops, this American movie, not Asian. Y’all vegan. Sorry. I guess you gotta be white to understand this. I am chink, so I cannot understand :/ weird.

Ok I am tired. This rant is obviously a cry for help. I will stop now.

PS. Post some nasty comments and I will glue your fingers to your eyelashes 😉 he he he

Cheers, xoxo

Movie Rant: Bad Moms (2016)

bad-moms-poster-nl-lr1

When three overworked and under-appreciated moms are pushed beyond their limits, they ditch their conventional responsibilities for a jolt of long overdue freedom, fun, and comedic self-indulgence.


OK before I start committing more sin by trash talking this movie, I have a confession to make. I was supposed to work last night, but I did not. Oops. Sorry, boss. Please take a chunk out of my salary as a punishment. Bish, just kidding! Of course I would prefer a good movie to work any damn time. And this movie IS good. So let’s do this.

As the title suggests, this movie is about bad mothers.  They are so bad. Just downright nasty. These hoes obviously watch too much Fifty Shades, depressed housewive + Fifty Shades = Slutty Cougar. Yes, with a capital S and C. Let’s be honest, skanky is what a skank does. But I gotta admit, they is cool. I would sell my mother’s kidney for Mila Kunis.
. . . . .
Just kidding, geez, of course I will not do that. I love my mom. ❤
Bish, stfu.

Without further ado, here are my rants about this movie:

  1. Mila Kunis you is a pretty lady, you really is. But halfway through the movie someone messed up with your makeup, your right eye was bigger than the left one. Do not put on too much mascara. You look like one of dem ladies in the magazine daddy used to read when I was in 2nd grade. I still wonder why in the world would he keep dem magazines under the bed and only read dem at night. Weird.
  2. Can I say that that mother Carla is like my equivalent in real life? Damn. She was cuckoo. She said the D word, I’m pretty sure, 6,798 times during the 1.40 hours of the movie. I mean, it was just insane. Definitely she a hoe. Take it down a notch, baby bish. You is a mother. Mother and children. Ok? Thanks for listening.
  3.  Who is this Keke girl? I mean, Keke mother. Anyway how do you spell Keke the female caucasian name? Not Keke the black name (it will probably be Kekesha or Kekeuita anyway :/ ). I need to be politically correct. But I get to say whatever I want because I too am a minority #chinkslivesmatter. This white mom lost her damn mind in the movie. I think she from Mississippi, she kinda reminds of my friend. Mississippi = Miss, zip it and just pee. I am just saying, this lady has been smoking the greeneries. Watch out for mommas like her in real life, they are potentially lethal. Do not piss them off. Do not piss on them. Do not make them piss on you. Oops, It is called Watersports, but it is a different thing 😉
  4.  I wanna chain Christina Applegator and Jada Shocking Pink-Smith to a bed, blindfold them, glue their lips together, shave their head off, and let red ants bite them until they are all puffed. They are irritating as heck.
  5. Oh, I love Martha Stewart. She was there in the movie. Martha, cook me something, I am hungry :/ I want pecan pie
  6. Oh yeah, again, another movie with child abuse. Please call, email, Skype, Kik,  WhatsApp, Viber, Tinder 911. I am pretty sure I heard these mothers saying they drugged their children with Panadol or Paracetamol or Guacamole or some effed up stuff. Or was it Magic Mushroom? hmmm…I am not sure. Just call 911 please.

Y’all should watch this movie. It is hilarious! As Carlita, QeQuesha, and Amy Winehouse said: “Get your tits up!”

PS. If y’all post some hurtful comments, I will glue your fingers to your eyelashes :*

PSS. Deduct my salary and I will burn down the office he he he 😉

Cheers! xoxo

Movie Rant: Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016)

ouija_two

Synopsis:
In 1965 Los Angeles, a widowed mother and her two daughters add a new stunt to bolster their seance scam business and unwittingly invite authentic evil into their home. When the youngest daughter is overtaken by a merciless spirit, the family confronts unthinkable fears to save her and send her possessor back to the other side.


I just got home from watching this movie. All I am saying is that the sound effect was really good, especially during the supposedly scary ass scenes. The truth does set you free, so I am going to admit that I did get startled once during the movie. And it was not because of the black-ass ghost (no pun intended!). The rest of it? I was between laughing and squirming in my seat, let me tell ya, it was uncomfortable as hell! Y’all gotta watch this just for the sake of laughing, uh huh.

Anyhoo, this movie is about these three females, they looked like they been wearing toupees cuz lemme tell ya, nowadays hairs like em are fake. No way you can get hair as straight and smooth as THAT! The three hoes make money from their lil hustle AKA fortune telling scam business. They lied to peoples abouts the ghostess and the spiritsess!

*Anyways, is illegality a word? I am wondering :/*

Now, believe me when I say you will reap what you sow, these bitches got it good! That is all I am saying. Now I need to stop blabber before I spoil the entire movie. So these are my rants on the movie. These are all subjective! If you are sensitive to trashiness and tackiness, back the eff off 😛

  1. Why all the casts are named after my coworkers’ and clients’?! xD I cracked up with laughter the entire movie! Just too much to see! I mean, I wanted to help all of them from getting slaughtered by the black mamba, but I am torn between: oh, yes finally they gon die,  imma be free! AND damn, what if blacky chokes my neck and eats me alive? I don’t wanna die young y’all! xD So I left the bitches die :/ Sorry, but I love my life more 😛
  2. Why in the world was the ghost black? (eff grammar, I don’t know how to write it properly xD) I mean, black as in black color, not black/dark as in skin tone. I mean, for real? Are you making a movie about ghosts or some extreme civil right movement? Nah ah, go do your homework bebe! I love peace. But since the ghostess was black as the black hole, I have to be creative in giving it nick names. Ergo: Blacky, Black Mamba, Not So Sirius Black, Ebony Spirit and Blackhead.
  3. Why all damn horror movies never have a happy ending? I mean, not only massages can have a happy ending, horror movies too! Why was it so hard to kill the damn Blacky?! Just sprinkle him with some holy water! Well, if it did not work, you might try some mixture of 1 cup of vinegar, 1tbs of baking soda, 3 red chilly, 1 cup of lemon extract and 3tbs of salt, add pepper if necessary. Lemme tell ya, you gon kill Blackness with that once and for all! Can I hear amen? THANKS!
  4. Ok, is it just me or in every American movie there is gotta be an opressed character that comes from either Asia-pacific north west south east middle desert, European-union north west south east iceland, Africa north west south east jungle, and Aussie. Americans love to kill us in their movies. I had to make sure I covered every single part, provinces, towns, cities, municipalities, landmarks, races, ethnics and cultures. In this movie? I am very sorry to say they picked Poland. Sorry, comrades. You died for all of us, Blackhead 😥 RIP
  5. Someone better call 911, because there was a child abuse in this movie. Clue: a needle and a black thread. Poor toddler.

I still have a lot to say, things just never stop processing in my medula oblongata, my grey matter, cranium, and I think there’s one part in the brain named cellulites. I love my cellulites <3, but I gotta stop now. Y’all read this and let me know what you think. Write something bad and I will glue your fingers to your eyelashes. Kisses and hugs! Mwah! xoxo

A Tale of Doo-Bee-Doo!

Once upon a time, there was a young woman

The young woman was of 29 summers

The young woman  loved to write and tell stories about the brave and noble knights

When she was little, the young woman made a wish that one day,

A brave and noble knight would marry her

She chanted one little wish out to the fairies in the forest

Here it goes:

“Let the bravest be the kindest,

let the noble one be the most passionate,

I shall one day meet a prince,

who just so happens to be a knight

and would help me make it through the night”

Little did she know, the teeny tiny blue fairy was listening

With her little fairy dust, she made a wonder:

“doo-be-doo-be-doo

You shall be as what you wished to do”

……

Once upon a time, there was a young man

The young man was as strong as in the mind as he was in the body

The young man dreamed of being the bravest, most noble knight in the land

The young man trained and trained and… trained

One day, he went to train in the forest

Whilst fencing and dancing with his wooden sword, he chanted:

“I shall be a knight,

the bravest, most noble,

not to mention most charming in the land,

I shall rescue a princess and save the day”

Oops, there was the teeny tiny blue fairy!

As she giggled, she whispered:

“doo-be-doo-be-doo

You shall be as what you wished to do”

…..

Once upon a time, there was a man and a woman,

The woman was a princess, and

The man was a prince who just so happened to be a knight,

The man was the bravest and most noble knight in the land,

He wanted to rescue the woman and made her day,

Out of the blue, one teeny tiny little blue fairy appeared!

“Hmmm…one little gift from one teeny tiny blue fairy…

doo-be-doo-be-doo

You shall be as what you wished to do”

…..

Once upon a time, there was a man and a woman,

The man was a knight, and

The woman was a princess,

and they lived happily ever after.

…..

Happy birthday, Vinny! 🙂

Accentuation

Say this with your accent: I don’t like you cuz you smell like a hobo. Oops, sorry that was uncalled for. I don’t mean to be rude against hobonism. #MakeHoboGreatAgain

Anyhoo, there’s this man whose identity shall remain anonymous. He’s got an accent. He speaks with an accent. I can’t really tell what though. Call it a pet peeve. But it just irritates me to no end. Same as people who eat like a barnyard animal. This annoying as heck sound they make when they chew food. I mean, are you a frickin piglet? Even piglet is much better-mannered than y’all trfilin barnyard animals! Geez! See? It aggravated me gggrrr… *takes deep breaths*

I have always found accents very intriguing. British, American, Cockney, Australian, Russian, German, Spanish. All just very enticing. But this particular undetected accent, this annoying as hell sound, just like the sound of styrofoam squeaking! HhAaAAtTEee it! hahahaa

Okay, I better stop before I lose my goddamn mind. BYE!

Sad True Story

Oh Lord,
What happened to humanity?
What happened to the very basic essence of life that is love?
Love is not just a simple four-letter word L-O-V-E as the song says
Love is courage, Love is loyalty, Love is commitment, Love is truth,
Love is understanding, Love is caring, Love is giving, Love is taking,
Love is sharing, Love is nurturing, Love is growing, Love is faith,
Love is believing, Love is trusting, Love is honest, Love is patience,
Love is Love…
Love is the one piece that glues us all together
Love is not you and I, it’s we, it’s us
How can two people call it love when it’s all coated with lies,
deceits, and dishonesty?
How can two people hold their head up high as if nothing has ever happened?
How can two people lie and being dishonest to their very own self?
Love is a force that breaks through the wind,
Love is Love,
Cheating is not love, adultery is not love, affair is not love,
disloyalty is not love, dishonesty is not love, unfaithfulness is not love,
Love is Love,
Love is all about saying I have what I need. I need no more.
Love is Love,
but people break love
So how can I say Love is Love ever again?
But I have faith,
So let me say it one more time,
Love is Love 😦

Cheaters go to hell :/

One thing I really cannot tolerate in life is infidelity. adultery. cheating. affair.

Now, if you’re into open relationships and sharing those kinda things, you better leave now.

OK, to the rest of you, lying cheating scumbags out there, listen to me. Hey, how you doing? It’s all good, it’s all fine? LIES! I wanna tell y’all something very important: clean your own junks. So frickin gross.

Not only are you people liars, y’all also fucked in the head. My question is, why do you make a commitment if you know you won’t be able to keep it? If you prefer dickS and vaginaS – yes, bitches. I mean plural with a big friggin S – why y’all settle down with only one? Out of obligation? Procrastination purpose? Religion related? Pffft. Gimme a frickin break because my blood sugar be low. *tries to calm mind, body and spirit*

Name me one or two good reasons why infidelities happen in the first place?

Imma try to put myself in y’all stinky ragged shoes:

  1. Emotional crack-headed bitch: OMG, he ain’t want me no more. He been working all day long, he ain’t have time for me anymore. *goes into ugly cry mode*
  2. Overpaid, fat-ass sleazy douche: Damn, she getting thick. I’m a man with needs and functioning eyes, how am I suppose to get it up if she look like Gloria from Madagascar? *rubs self, thinks of the anorexic chick at work*
  3. Ugly-ass douche who thinks he’s a looker: Fml I can’t stand it no more, I’m Don Juan, girls come at a snap of  my fingers. I’m gonna find me some hot chicks I can bang. Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do. *thrusts hips into air and grabs crotch*
  4. Gramps: Granny’s gonna be dead soon, I’ll find me a maiden to bear me an heir. *flashbacks to 1769 when he was a playboy*
  5. Cougar slash expiring-soon momma: Oh-la-la! Them young hunks are making my minora labia and majora labia twitching with praises and joy. They get all grey’s anatomy and I do need some grey’s anatomy action in my boring life. *fixes oversized fake boobs and puts on more water-resistant lipstick from Estee Lauder*

What else, that’s all I can think of now, I’ll continue the list later xD

ANYHOO..Excuses, excuses, and excuses. Now I’m not saying that I’m a saint whatsoever. Temptation will always be there, after all we all have physical needs, right? However, it’s a different story when you’re already committed to someone and you break your commitment just so you can get a temporary release.

Keep your pants and panties on! Geez!!

OK I’m done, I need to go back to work xD :p Wipe yo own shit, people! TTYL