Movie Rant: Cat On a Hot Tin Roof (1958)

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Brick, an alcoholic ex-football player, drinks his days away and resists the affections of his wife, Maggie. His reunion with his father, Big Daddy, who is dying of cancer, jogs a host of memories and revelations for both father and son.


This movie is as old as dirt. I am pretty sure back in the day, there was no Pen Pineapple Apple Pen. Ugh, I want to strangle the cougar bish to death. Annoying song, and I know they used some voodoo magic because the damn song got stuck in my cranium. -slaps self-

Anyhoo, is it just me or all these old movies are confusing as hell. I mean, have you watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s? Let me tell you, I watched it three times and still could not understand it. Audrey, you’s pretty and everything but all I understand is that you’s a fraud and you gotta stop your hustle or imma call the popo. Uhm, and that guy you been seeing? Uhm, yeah. He a prostitute. Yeah. Truth is a bish huh :/

Let me just say that Elizabeth Taylor was a bombshell. They even referred her as a mynx in this movie. A mynx is like a cat. Just like the girl band Little Mynx. You know, they sing Hair and Black Magic and Butterfly. I know, right? Elizabeth Taylor was evolving into a cougar uh huh. Not sure though if she was a Pokemon. Because if she was, she would make the oldest Pokemon on urff.

So, here are my rants:

  1. Confusing as hell. So, Brick and Maggie were husband and wife. Brick did not have sex with Maggie for like 56 years. Brick blamed Maggie for being crippled. Brick had a sister-in-law and nephews and nieces and they all were skanks. When I saw them, I picture this:
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    The Brick and Bone guy had issues. He was throwing stuff and he threatened to hit Maggie with his cane in the head. Brick got drunk. Maggie cried. Brick and Maggie had sex. The end. Now, how you expect me to understand all that? I am baffled @.@
  2. Who the hell is big daddy? Who is he? He gave me chills :/ Come near me biggie, Imma hit ya with my bamboo spear.
  3. What is the movie really about? At first I thought it’s a horror movie. You know, a cat got cooked in a hot tin pan or something and the heat hit the roof. Oops, this American movie, not Asian. Y’all vegan. Sorry. I guess you gotta be white to understand this. I am chink, so I cannot understand :/ weird.

Ok I am tired. This rant is obviously a cry for help. I will stop now.

PS. Post some nasty comments and I will glue your fingers to your eyelashes 😉 he he he

Cheers, xoxo

Movie Rant: Bad Moms (2016)

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When three overworked and under-appreciated moms are pushed beyond their limits, they ditch their conventional responsibilities for a jolt of long overdue freedom, fun, and comedic self-indulgence.


OK before I start committing more sin by trash talking this movie, I have a confession to make. I was supposed to work last night, but I did not. Oops. Sorry, boss. Please take a chunk out of my salary as a punishment. Bish, just kidding! Of course I would prefer a good movie to work any damn time. And this movie IS good. So let’s do this.

As the title suggests, this movie is about bad mothers.  They are so bad. Just downright nasty. These hoes obviously watch too much Fifty Shades, depressed housewive + Fifty Shades = Slutty Cougar. Yes, with a capital S and C. Let’s be honest, skanky is what a skank does. But I gotta admit, they is cool. I would sell my mother’s kidney for Mila Kunis.
. . . . .
Just kidding, geez, of course I will not do that. I love my mom. ❤
Bish, stfu.

Without further ado, here are my rants about this movie:

  1. Mila Kunis you is a pretty lady, you really is. But halfway through the movie someone messed up with your makeup, your right eye was bigger than the left one. Do not put on too much mascara. You look like one of dem ladies in the magazine daddy used to read when I was in 2nd grade. I still wonder why in the world would he keep dem magazines under the bed and only read dem at night. Weird.
  2. Can I say that that mother Carla is like my equivalent in real life? Damn. She was cuckoo. She said the D word, I’m pretty sure, 6,798 times during the 1.40 hours of the movie. I mean, it was just insane. Definitely she a hoe. Take it down a notch, baby bish. You is a mother. Mother and children. Ok? Thanks for listening.
  3.  Who is this Keke girl? I mean, Keke mother. Anyway how do you spell Keke the female caucasian name? Not Keke the black name (it will probably be Kekesha or Kekeuita anyway :/ ). I need to be politically correct. But I get to say whatever I want because I too am a minority #chinkslivesmatter. This white mom lost her damn mind in the movie. I think she from Mississippi, she kinda reminds of my friend. Mississippi = Miss, zip it and just pee. I am just saying, this lady has been smoking the greeneries. Watch out for mommas like her in real life, they are potentially lethal. Do not piss them off. Do not piss on them. Do not make them piss on you. Oops, It is called Watersports, but it is a different thing 😉
  4.  I wanna chain Christina Applegator and Jada Shocking Pink-Smith to a bed, blindfold them, glue their lips together, shave their head off, and let red ants bite them until they are all puffed. They are irritating as heck.
  5. Oh, I love Martha Stewart. She was there in the movie. Martha, cook me something, I am hungry :/ I want pecan pie
  6. Oh yeah, again, another movie with child abuse. Please call, email, Skype, Kik,  WhatsApp, Viber, Tinder 911. I am pretty sure I heard these mothers saying they drugged their children with Panadol or Paracetamol or Guacamole or some effed up stuff. Or was it Magic Mushroom? hmmm…I am not sure. Just call 911 please.

Y’all should watch this movie. It is hilarious! As Carlita, QeQuesha, and Amy Winehouse said: “Get your tits up!”

PS. If y’all post some hurtful comments, I will glue your fingers to your eyelashes :*

PSS. Deduct my salary and I will burn down the office he he he 😉

Cheers! xoxo

Movie Rant: Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016)

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Synopsis:
In 1965 Los Angeles, a widowed mother and her two daughters add a new stunt to bolster their seance scam business and unwittingly invite authentic evil into their home. When the youngest daughter is overtaken by a merciless spirit, the family confronts unthinkable fears to save her and send her possessor back to the other side.


I just got home from watching this movie. All I am saying is that the sound effect was really good, especially during the supposedly scary ass scenes. The truth does set you free, so I am going to admit that I did get startled once during the movie. And it was not because of the black-ass ghost (no pun intended!). The rest of it? I was between laughing and squirming in my seat, let me tell ya, it was uncomfortable as hell! Y’all gotta watch this just for the sake of laughing, uh huh.

Anyhoo, this movie is about these three females, they looked like they been wearing toupees cuz lemme tell ya, nowadays hairs like em are fake. No way you can get hair as straight and smooth as THAT! The three hoes make money from their lil hustle AKA fortune telling scam business. They lied to peoples abouts the ghostess and the spiritsess!

*Anyways, is illegality a word? I am wondering :/*

Now, believe me when I say you will reap what you sow, these bitches got it good! That is all I am saying. Now I need to stop blabber before I spoil the entire movie. So these are my rants on the movie. These are all subjective! If you are sensitive to trashiness and tackiness, back the eff off 😛

  1. Why all the casts are named after my coworkers’ and clients’?! xD I cracked up with laughter the entire movie! Just too much to see! I mean, I wanted to help all of them from getting slaughtered by the black mamba, but I am torn between: oh, yes finally they gon die,  imma be free! AND damn, what if blacky chokes my neck and eats me alive? I don’t wanna die young y’all! xD So I left the bitches die :/ Sorry, but I love my life more 😛
  2. Why in the world was the ghost black? (eff grammar, I don’t know how to write it properly xD) I mean, black as in black color, not black/dark as in skin tone. I mean, for real? Are you making a movie about ghosts or some extreme civil right movement? Nah ah, go do your homework bebe! I love peace. But since the ghostess was black as the black hole, I have to be creative in giving it nick names. Ergo: Blacky, Black Mamba, Not So Sirius Black, Ebony Spirit and Blackhead.
  3. Why all damn horror movies never have a happy ending? I mean, not only massages can have a happy ending, horror movies too! Why was it so hard to kill the damn Blacky?! Just sprinkle him with some holy water! Well, if it did not work, you might try some mixture of 1 cup of vinegar, 1tbs of baking soda, 3 red chilly, 1 cup of lemon extract and 3tbs of salt, add pepper if necessary. Lemme tell ya, you gon kill Blackness with that once and for all! Can I hear amen? THANKS!
  4. Ok, is it just me or in every American movie there is gotta be an opressed character that comes from either Asia-pacific north west south east middle desert, European-union north west south east iceland, Africa north west south east jungle, and Aussie. Americans love to kill us in their movies. I had to make sure I covered every single part, provinces, towns, cities, municipalities, landmarks, races, ethnics and cultures. In this movie? I am very sorry to say they picked Poland. Sorry, comrades. You died for all of us, Blackhead 😥 RIP
  5. Someone better call 911, because there was a child abuse in this movie. Clue: a needle and a black thread. Poor toddler.

I still have a lot to say, things just never stop processing in my medula oblongata, my grey matter, cranium, and I think there’s one part in the brain named cellulites. I love my cellulites <3, but I gotta stop now. Y’all read this and let me know what you think. Write something bad and I will glue your fingers to your eyelashes. Kisses and hugs! Mwah! xoxo

Broken by Megan Hart

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This novel is…ehm…I don’t know what to say. Usually, after reading a novel I would be either truly pissed because the story ends so bad or I would be utterly sated by the whole story, a happy ending for me. However, I feel like this novel left me hanging. I don’t know why. I just feel that there’s some unresolved matter in this novel that needs to be addressed. I mean, I love this novel. I think it’s very emotional and sensual but it seems like an unfinished business.

First of all, I really can relate to what Sadie is feeling. When you want something so bad your heart aches, yet you just can’t have it. What do you expect when all of a sudden your marriage, one that once was burning with passion and love, now turns into anger, resentment and grief? How do you cope with the whole situation? Dr. Sadie Danning is a strong, powerful woman, that’s not to be doubted. She has been struggling for about four years after her husband, Adam, got into an accident that resulted in a spinal cord injury. His body parts from shoulder below no longer function properly. Paralyzed. On top of that, he becomes grouchy, sentimental and grumpy. Not only does Sadie have a great physical burden of taking care of her husband 24/7 (she gets up every morning at 4 a.m, can you believe that?), she also has to deal with the emotional burden that keeps pounding her life relentlessly. Her husband can no longer make love to her, which really frustrates her. The relationship that used to be ignited with passion, lust, love, hunger, and pleasure has now torn apart. Plus, no one seems to really care about her anymore. She is definitely lost. Until she met Joe Wilder during one lunch time in a park. At first they were just two people hanging around, having lunch and just coexisting with each other. Then they got to know each other better. Mind you, they don’t share their present, just the things that happened in the past. It’s as if they’re two different people in a different world. Until one day Joe started to share about his sexual escapades. Things had never been the same since then. He tells his stories, she listens. On and on, over and over again they meet every month on the first Friday of each month.

Fast forward, two years later, Sadie wants to be a part of Joe’s story, so bad. But the guilt she feels holds her back. She feels like cheating on Adam. She is shattered. But what happen when one day Joe declares that he’s marrying one of the women of his stories? At the same time, Sadie has to cope with the loss of his husband. Will things be turned around for both Sadie and Joe? Will she finally be a part of Joe’s monthly stories? This novel takes us into a journey of a woman coping with life and marriage. If you ever think all you have is eternal, think back again. It takes a whole lot of effort and energy to create a crystal glass, but just a fraction of seconds to shatter it apart. What will you do if you were in the same situation? See, life is unpredictable. You live in the present. You can try to relive the past, but you can’t ever live the future without going through the present. That’s why you have to live your life with gratitude and don’t ever take anything, or anybody for that matter, for granted cause you’ll never know when you might lose them.

Anyway, aside from the emotional value this novel has, the sex is HAWT! Like, seriously H-O-T-T! yes it’s double t, bitches! LOL But my favorite one is the last one. Go, figure it out for yourself. I think that last scene was very emotional and truthful. I figure it’s how making love supposed to be. And it truly is rare to find romance novel authors who are able to catch those raw emotions and describe them into words. Fantastic job, Ms. Megan Hart! All in all, I loved this book. I wonder if the author plans to make a sequel to this novel. It would be perfect, in my opinion. And definitely seal the deal, finish the unfinished business. I want me some more hotness! Lol I truly recommend this novel for you all romance novel readers!

 

Leaning into the afternoons I cast my sad nets

towards your oceanic eyes.

There in the highest blaze my solitude lengthens

and flames,

its arms turning like a drowning man’s.

I send out red signals across your absent eyes

that move like the sea near a lighthouse.

You keep only darkness, my distant female,

from your regard sometimes the coast of dread emerges.

Leaning into the afternoons I fling my sad nets

to that sea that beats on your marine eyes.

The birds of night peck at the first stars

that flash like my soul when I love you.

The night gallops on its shadowy mare

shedding blue tassels over the land.

~Leaning into the afternoons by Pablo Neruda

Reaper’s Property by Joanna Wilde

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This novel is too good to be true! I fucking loved it! My heart was jumping up and down whilst reading this one. It was intense, romantic, sweet, thrilling, and almost perfect in every sense! Yeah, that’s what I thought. Back off if you don’t agree with me…lol. This is exactly what I love about romance novels. Love stories with massive conflicts and fucked up plots however crystalize with steamy romance, love that is out of this world and a peaches-and-cream-happily-ever-after ending. This is also why I like stories about them biker dudes. They are scary and fierce, indeed. But they are no pretenders when it comes to their feelings. Yes, they are actually a bunch of romantics. They claim what are theirs and they make it clear nobody messes up their territories. A true biker like Horse in this novel shows how a ‘real’ man should stand up for his woman. He claims her as his, and stays faithful to her in return. In contrast, many men nowadays think they got everything that they can treat people whatever, however they please. They disrespect women, girls and fuck everything up. Note to all men out there: Respect people, especially women. Don’t ever take them for granted.

Moving on to this novel, it is about ‘Marie’ Caroline Jensen, an abused wife who ran away from his fuckwad of a husband to live with his brother. His brother, Jeff, got tangled up with some serious shit and currently working for the MC Reaper. This is where Marie first meets Marcus ’Horse’ Antonius Caesar McDonnell, a serious, scary biker dude. Horse doesn’t like to play around, that’s why when he saw Marie. He wanted her. So bad! He doesn’t who she is or where she comes from, he wants her ASAP. This is where the story begins to get better and better. At first Marie resists him, but he doesn’t play push and pull game, he’s doing whatever it takes to get her. Long story short, she ends up moving in his house, as his old lady. Some conflicts start to appear along the way but just intensify the whole scenario.

Now, let’s talk a little bit about the sex scenes. All I can say is I-N-T-E-N-S-E! If you’re not familiar with explicit, steamy, erotic sex scene, don’t read this. Just skip it. I am serious. Some of the scenes are too explicit for regular people to read…Lol. And there are plenty of them! But I think mind-shattering sex scenes in romance novels are essential parts of the stories. The author has to create a mind-blowing, almost unrealistic, out of this world sex scenes that are also surreal at the same time. Know what I mean? Cause readers are looking for stories and scenes that are bigger that lives. So, don’t read this book while you’re in public places (train, bus or bus station or whatever) cause you might get blushed and a sudden case of sexual desire. LOL

This novel reminds a little bit of Kristen Ashley’s Motorcycle Man. But I have to admit both are really good. I love romance novels about bikers. Bikers have this emotional connection among their fellow brothers of the same club that goes beyond blood ties. They vow their lives to protect their brothers, which is totally awesome! Cause so many people nowadays are hypocrites and phonies. I can’t stand sometimes seeing friends turn into enemies because one can’t bear to see the other excel better in a certain field, or one is richer than the other or one is better than this or that than the other. Y’all are bunch of crazy bitches. It is revolting, seriously. Why can’t we support each other, love each other and stop trying to backstab each other. Tsk-tsk. We have to get familiar with the idea that you can’t have everything. Everybody is unique and we have to accept ourselves for who we are. If you really think your friend is better than you in a certain thing, it’s maybe just because you didn’t try harder. Why don’t you just channel all those hatred and jealousy into something more positive, like studying, practicing, exercising? Does it make sense now??! That’s why I love bikers. I would do anything to have friends who’ve got my back at all times. A friend in need is a friend indeed, right?

So yeah, I highly recommended this novel for all of you romance novels lovers. Now go grab this book FAST cause this book KICKS ASS is what it is. You won’t regret reading this one. Atta job Ms. Joanna Wilde. I fucking loved your book!

Suggar Daddy by Lisa Kleypas

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When I first heard about this book a couple of months ago, my initial thought was that this novel is all about the story of a hooker or something like that. Turned out it was so much deeper than that. It was a very strong novel in terms of the main character’s development. In this novel we witness the transformation of Liberty Jones, from zero to hero. From Nada to Prada. She basically proves us how tough a woman can be, leaning on nobody but herself. Born and raised in a considerably poor family (a deceased father and a goody-goody of a mother) who lived in a trailer, Liberty was a hopeless case of a white trash. Well, not that she was entirely white – she was half Mexican, half American. The only reason she had to move on was a troublesome, white-trash boy named Hardy. She didn’t have a vivid dream, she wasn’t sure what she wanted to become, and she was just living her life in the moment. She has no care in the world but herself and her momma until one day when everything turned upside down. Her mother died in an accident when she was barely sixteen, leaving her behind with her two year-old baby sister to take care of and huge amount of other burden. She was forced by life to be an adult even long before the appropriate age. Not to mention the disappearance of Hardy, who had left the town in pursuance of his dream to become financially abundant. She was torn apart inside. But here we can see the real transformation began.

She struggled between maintaining her life at school, and her life at home. After many restless and tired nights, she finally got out of school. Knowing nothing in particular to do, she remembered her friend told her that she would be good in beauty school. The only problem was she didn’t have the money to pay for her study. Lady luck seemed to favor her this time. She stumbled upon an announcement in a local newspaper about scholarships of beauty school. Long story short, she got accepted into the beauty school, all the while raising her little sister. She finally found a job at one of the most prominent salons in the country and life started to get better from that point.

When she finally met Gage. I was beaming with joy! I thought this could be the right moment for her to seal the past and move on with her life. Because all these years, she still hadn’t gotten over Hardy. Meanwhile, Gage made her feel complete again. Their relationship grew from hate to love. And Liberty seemed happier than ever! But life always has its turn to blow us away at every chance when we thought finally have it all. After almost ten years of being apart, guess who did she meet? Yep, Hardy! Once again Liberty was faced with options of whether it was Gage or Hardy she truly loved. Hardy from the past of her life, while Gage from the future of her life. What beautiful about this story is that the author shows us different perspectives from Liberty’s love life. Hence when she made her decision in the end, we understood it crystal clear. I could relate to what Liberty was feeling. Confused, scared, and frustrated. This book wants to tell us that in a relationship of two people, each of us grow. However, sometimes we grow apart. It’s not that we fall out of love. It is just the part of life cycle we have to go through in order to shape us into better people.

This novel is beautifully written. Very smart in terms of the words of choice and the storyline. From the first sentence, this novel screams quality. I can say the author did her job very well. Clearly she did her research in order to make readers feel the story as being realistic and believable. And it is realistic and believable. I feel like those characters are real people who exist somewhere on this earth. And I truly enjoyed the character of Gage in this novel. This tall, dark, handsome hero is very mature, very understanding, he has a BIG heart, and he’s not afraid of claiming what is his. On a personal note, I think all of his traits made him one of the strongest heroes in contemporary romance novels. I really enjoyed this novel, a lot! I didn’t know why this novel remained unread in my TBR list for a few months. I haven’t read that many novels until now, but I have to say, this novel made it to the top of my list as one of my favorite contemporary romance novels. I truly recommend you all to read this one!

True Love Story by Willow Asher

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Remember what I wrote two posts ago? “You better keep your pants on!” As much as I dislike reading novels with adulterous affairs that lead to heartbreaking stories, it seems like I keep coming back to the same plot. Aside from that, it always does it for me. I like exercising my anger and frustration (probably I have an issue with anger management..pffft). Anyway, this woman by the name of Layla is a vicious serpent. I think I have a built-in GPS specially designed to track down skanks. Cause let me tell you, this woman gave me cold vibes even at her first appearance in the book and I KNEW she would be the one to get on my nerves! I snapped at the mention of her name! Anyway this is not about her. I won’t give her the highlight of the day.

This novel is about the journey of two lovers into the happily ever after. They went through so many ups and downs, tears and laughter, sorrow and joy, trust and betrayal, longing and loathing, all during the span of five years since their first encounter. The premise of this novel is to test whether love is all people need to be in a relationship. Too many stories, love stories, just cover the iceberg of sweet moments, without really digging into it. Because truth be told, there are many aspects and prospects lie underneath all those silky smooth moments. Love is not just about having fallen head over heels over someone. Love is about coming to term with trusting the person you love, it’s about being vulnerable and try to overcome your insecurities and ready to share your life with another person and to think that love really is about combining two people together into ‘one’. This novel brings our attention to this one question: “Will love be ever enough to conquer all?”

Ian: “I have never loved anyone but you. I never will.”

Sparrow: “I guess love isn’t enough,”

Ian Orville Sterling is a famous musician, all around gorgeous and is a helpless romantic at his core. All his life he is struggling to believe about the perfect relationship, if there is even such a thing. Coming from a broken family of an abusive father and a defenseless mother, he doesn’t have the slightest idea about finding the one. Until one day, when he met ‘the one’.

Sparrow Kate Fisher is a beautiful girl. Long, curly hair, perfect proportion of supermodel height, and long kickass legs, mix with jaw-dropping sets of boobs and bum. She is a book author and enjoys most of her spare time reading novels. Her life turned upside down when she was just fourteen, when she went to see for the first time ‘the one’ she had been longing for performed. She cried her heart out throughout the performance. Fast forward, she finally met her soulmate one night, four years later, at a dinner with a family friend of her family. Her life had never been the same again since that one fateful, life-changing night.

Basically 50% of this novel went plainly boring, in my opinion. It was just like going through the motion. Nothing special. and then suddenly, BAM! Things started to unfold. I fidgeted the whole time they were apart. I mourned for their long lost years that they could have had. I started questioning everything. Whether love truly is enough for two people to build a relationship of a lifetime?

At first I was outraged by Ian’s betrayal. But man, did this man grovel. For almost a year, he sent Sparrow letters almost every day along with bouquet of flowers, and all sort of things that will melt your heart. He pleaded, he begged, he groveled, asking Sparrow for a second chance. I started to think that maybe he did deserve a second chance. After all, didn’t we all deserve it?

Meanwhile, all the efforts and energies he put in order to win her back didn’t seem to budge her from insisting on moving on from him. She was too scared and vulnerable to trust him again. It’s as if all her hopes and dreams are shattered all over the place.

“Of course I do. I put all my hopes and desires and love … into you. You think I don’t feel it? Imagine how you feel and then add the pain of knowing that I was never enough for you, that you didn’t value what I gave for you, that you were with someone else the entire time you were with me … put that all together and then you’ll know how I feel.”

After five years of being apart, fate seems to throw them at each other once again. Will five years of long lost love be enough to mend the broken heart? Does love truly is enough for the two of them? Is she ready to put her heart in the line, risking it all over again?

“I don’t want to live without you another day. I’m begging you for another chance. Please.”

This novel runs deeper than I thought it would be. It seems to hold some sentimental value. It makes me think and think and think about love. It makes me realize that ‘truly’ loving someone isn’t always enough. True love means a whole lot more than mere physical attractions and togetherness. True love means willing to trust, to compromise, to understand, to be sincere, to be vulnerable, to feel secured, and to put up with not only the good times but also the bad times. Love is about being a team and work together. Otherwise it won’t work. It’s like, you’re in it to win it, aren’t you? I think it’s not fair to just judge the novel based solely on its content and storyline, because this novel is trying to deliver some message here. Something that is greater than words. Thus I applaud the author for it. Great job, Ms. Willow Aster!