Movie Rant: Bad Moms (2016)

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When three overworked and under-appreciated moms are pushed beyond their limits, they ditch their conventional responsibilities for a jolt of long overdue freedom, fun, and comedic self-indulgence.


OK before I start committing more sin by trash talking this movie, I have a confession to make. I was supposed to work last night, but I did not. Oops. Sorry, boss. Please take a chunk out of my salary as a punishment. Bish, just kidding! Of course I would prefer a good movie to work any damn time. And this movie IS good. So let’s do this.

As the title suggests, this movie is about bad mothers.  They are so bad. Just downright nasty. These hoes obviously watch too much Fifty Shades, depressed housewive + Fifty Shades = Slutty Cougar. Yes, with a capital S and C. Let’s be honest, skanky is what a skank does. But I gotta admit, they is cool. I would sell my mother’s kidney for Mila Kunis.
. . . . .
Just kidding, geez, of course I will not do that. I love my mom. ❤
Bish, stfu.

Without further ado, here are my rants about this movie:

  1. Mila Kunis you is a pretty lady, you really is. But halfway through the movie someone messed up with your makeup, your right eye was bigger than the left one. Do not put on too much mascara. You look like one of dem ladies in the magazine daddy used to read when I was in 2nd grade. I still wonder why in the world would he keep dem magazines under the bed and only read dem at night. Weird.
  2. Can I say that that mother Carla is like my equivalent in real life? Damn. She was cuckoo. She said the D word, I’m pretty sure, 6,798 times during the 1.40 hours of the movie. I mean, it was just insane. Definitely she a hoe. Take it down a notch, baby bish. You is a mother. Mother and children. Ok? Thanks for listening.
  3.  Who is this Keke girl? I mean, Keke mother. Anyway how do you spell Keke the female caucasian name? Not Keke the black name (it will probably be Kekesha or Kekeuita anyway :/ ). I need to be politically correct. But I get to say whatever I want because I too am a minority #chinkslivesmatter. This white mom lost her damn mind in the movie. I think she from Mississippi, she kinda reminds of my friend. Mississippi = Miss, zip it and just pee. I am just saying, this lady has been smoking the greeneries. Watch out for mommas like her in real life, they are potentially lethal. Do not piss them off. Do not piss on them. Do not make them piss on you. Oops, It is called Watersports, but it is a different thing 😉
  4.  I wanna chain Christina Applegator and Jada Shocking Pink-Smith to a bed, blindfold them, glue their lips together, shave their head off, and let red ants bite them until they are all puffed. They are irritating as heck.
  5. Oh, I love Martha Stewart. She was there in the movie. Martha, cook me something, I am hungry :/ I want pecan pie
  6. Oh yeah, again, another movie with child abuse. Please call, email, Skype, Kik,  WhatsApp, Viber, Tinder 911. I am pretty sure I heard these mothers saying they drugged their children with Panadol or Paracetamol or Guacamole or some effed up stuff. Or was it Magic Mushroom? hmmm…I am not sure. Just call 911 please.

Y’all should watch this movie. It is hilarious! As Carlita, QeQuesha, and Amy Winehouse said: “Get your tits up!”

PS. If y’all post some hurtful comments, I will glue your fingers to your eyelashes :*

PSS. Deduct my salary and I will burn down the office he he he 😉

Cheers! xoxo

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Love me with lies series (The opportunist, Dirty Red, and Thief) by Tarryn Fisher

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The book I just finished reading is called The Opportunist by Tarryn Fisher (well, actually I finished the whole series which consist of three books (the opportunist, dirty red, thief) in 24 hours; I just couldn’t put them down once I started!). With quite a lot of mixed reviews out there, plus some warnings that this book will bring readers through one helluva rollercoaster ride of emotions, still, I forced myself and pumped up some courage to give this book a go. I don’t really know what can I say about this nor how can I describe it. So I will just share what I feel about this particular book. First thing that I noticed and sort of annoyed me and make me kind of sad at the same time is about the ‘sex’ issue. I don’t really feel comfortable nor do I think it is right when you find out about your boyfriend or girlfriend’s sexual escapades. I mean, you can call me close-minded or conservative and maybe the fact that I grew up in a society which holds the belief that any sexual act between a man and a woman should take place after both are joined in a holy matrimony also influences my way of thinking but really I could never imagine how I will react under such circumstances, knowing my lover used to have sex with this person, or that person. It makes me feel uncomfortable and jealous, I guess. Scratch the last one. It makes me feel super jealous I will go through some serious emotional breakdown, like, seriously. Cause that body is MINE, nobody else can touch it without my permission. It’s called betrayal, you know what I mean?!!! I think it sort of make me a loyalist (is that even a word?). I do realize the lifestyle of ‘string without attached’ or ‘one-night stand’ or whatever the term is, is quite common in most western countries. I mean, as far as I know, many people don’t even care who the hell they are boinking, as long as they can release their physical needs. For me, sex is supposed to be something special and sacred and exclusive. In my opinion, sleeping around with anyone you want just makes you no different than a prostitute. I’m sorry, I am not trying to be a hypocrite or righteous or judgmental here but that’s just what I think. Scratch that, it’s different. You pay for prostitutes, while what I meant is that you sleeping around with, surely, mutual attraction. Do whatever you want!

Basically the books minus all the complexity of sex will somehow be like: Caleb meets Olivia, falls for her – vice versa, Olivia hasn’t ready to be in a relationship, they break up, he has a new girlfriend, five months later she wants him back, he breaks up with the new girlfriend, they get together, one year later he proposes her, they get married, make a lot of babies, grow old and gray together and they live happily ever after, end of story. See where I’m going with this? So, the core problem of this whole story is if only a man can keep his pants on without having to sleep with every other hot chick with long legs in school, there’s no need for premarital pregnancy, no need for abortion, no need for GRANDE lies, no need for losing virginity to a complete stranger, no need for trust issues, no need for a third-wheel, no need for a faked amnesia, no need for marriage of convenience, no need for affairs, no need for death of families, and so many no needs. But of course without all of these mind-blowing issues, the story itself would be plain whatsoever. My point is, in real life it doesn’t have to be like this. Just remember this, if you truly love someone, if you really think he or she is the one, your soulmate then for christ’s sake just keep your pants on. It takes years to build trust, but only seconds to destroy it.

Okay. Moving on to the casts (each is the lead character with their own POV in each book):

Olivia Kaspen, the protagonist Heroine – my personal favorite! I liked her, a lot. I think she has a great personality and she is strong woman, independent, and self-reliant despite some of her unintended reckless decisions that lead into some great lies. Maybe that is why I feel such an enormous empathy toward her when story started to unfold and when she did some terrible choices. I feel sad for her, and somehow I can relate to her. I mean nobody’s perfect. I can feel what Olivia is feeling inside, as if I’m inside her, which is weird. I mean if I were her, I can imagine how many years I will spend begging and asking for forgiveness from Caleb. But that is life, you know. C’est la vie! People make choices all the time, sometimes it’s just not the right one. And, as I always say, payback is a bitch. You can’t let go free without having to redeem yourself after making some decision. Suck thing is you’ll never know when you might be exposed to the after effect of your own choice. Life can be somehow perfect and peaches and cream and sunshine then suddenly it turns upside down bringing all storms and darkness. It really is a sad reality. The only thing that kind of pisses me off is the fact that Olivia is a very self-reliant woman and she guards her heart and emotion all the darn time. If only she could just stick around and stop running away everytime something terrible happen, they wouldn’t have to waste ten years of lost love.

Johanna Leah Smith. Hmmm…what can I say about this particular woman? First of all, clearly I don’t like her. I even despise her. I think what she is feeling towards Caleb is pure obsession and lust and not love. Obviously if you love someone that much, you wouldn’t want to see him sad or crushed. She does the opposite. She makes his life a living hell. Even in the second book, Dirty Red, which she happens to be the lead character (sort of), most of the part I was just skipping pages cause I couldn’t stand her cruelty and evil mindset. I think the problem with Leah is that she is wild and uncontrollable. That’s why she needs some strong figure of a man in her life (which clearly she is lacking of considering her cold-hearted jerk of a father). If only Caleb doesn’t have as much emotional burden, he might be the perfect contender to control the unbridled Leah. But no, he is a scarred soul and he needs help.

Caleb Drake, the protagonist Hero in this book is pretty much the epitome of college jock. He plays basketball, he is rich, he is famous, he is good-looking, and he’s pretty much a womanizer, if not a man-whore (he pretty much sleeps with almost every gorgeous-looking girl with long legs in campus). I don’t know whether to like his character or not. Basically he is an all around jerk. However, the writer twisted the common knowledge a bit by making Caleb smarter, geekish (not by appearance, but he does read books), and somehow sensitive, thus making it hard for readers not to like him. But I feel his character rather fall short. I think it’s because of his banging-around-every-girl-that-he-met that kind of irritates me. I know I’m kinda bias but I can’t help myself to think that way. Maybe because the way the writer describes him in a way that constantly exposes his sexual adventures that asshole-slash-playboy image perpetually associated with him on my mind. I’m sorry for y’all Caleb’s fans. FYI Caleb finally came to realize that his heart only belong to one person, the raven-haired witch, Olivia. Thus he stopped messing around with women. But how long does it take for him to realize that? TEN YEARS!!! But anyway, I was like props to you bro.

After reading all three books in the series (the opportunist, dirty red, and thief) I feel I’m ten years older now. It was exhausted y’all! My brain is paralyzed! After I read the first book, I was so aggravated by Leah, I just had to start reading book two. But things got worse y’all! And because book two was so annoying, I couldn’t help myself but to directly start reading book three. But it was worth it. I finally had some hope the moment I started reading page one in book three. But Olivia let me down when she refused to divorce Noah and left Caleb all over again. That was a low blow y’all! Also, I think the ending part is too brief and should be elaborated even more. I mean, I’ve spent 24 hours non-stop reading these books full of stress, depression, angst, irritation, sorrow, hope, heartache, and headache and in the end when Caleb and Olivia have finally had their chance to be together for good, I only got…what? Ten pages of epilogue? Five? It is so unfair! CONSPIRACY!! You’ve cut my heart open, exposed it to turmoil of emotions, and you’ve only mended the wound by 50%? I need to be fully mended. I need full recovery! After thousands of pages of torture, and ten years of misery, at least the writer should feel some moral obligation to come up with some brilliant ending to seal the deal! I feel like hanging! No me gusto! Anyway, at least they got together. I am happy for both Olivia and Caleb. PS. For the author: Don’t try to make another book about Caleb and Olivia and ruin their lives! They’ve had enough! Leave them alone. Thank you!

A modern love story by Jolyn Palliata (Major spoilers and explicit language)

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*****MAJOR SPOILERS & SAILORS’ LANGUAGE AHEAD*****

Synopsis: After the death of her parents, Robbie Byrne is put in foster care where she meets her exact opposite, Luc Cintrone. Abandoned as a small child, Luc is a foul-mouthed rebel who takes it upon himself to be her defender, whether she likes it or not. As they grow up, they fumble through their different roles in each other’s lives—family, confidants and then, ultimately, lovers. 

Just as the couple is settling into their newfound relationship, they encounter a beautiful lawyer, Payten, who is immediately taken by Luc’s rough edges. But he denies her, making him absolutely irresistible in her eyes. Payten is a woman who has grown accustomed in her privileged life in obtaining whatever she wants, no matter the cost or sacrifice. And she is fairly confident Luc will eventually see things her way…one way or another. 

Okay. Normally I don’t rant on social medias and shit but this negative energy bubbling inside me gotta be released somewhere into the galaxy. Mind you, I’m gonna cuss and curse like shit in this rant of mine, not gonna mind my P’s and Q’s. so let’s get this shit started.

I am currently reading a book by Palliata Jolyn (what kind of name is that anyway? Palliata?!) called A modern love story. Mind you, THIS RANT IS GOING TO CONTAIN MAJOR SPOILERS, so stop here before I unravel the entire story before your eyes. I still can see you reading this, go the fuck away…okay, moving on! SOOOO…from the reviews I’ve read about this particular book on the internet it seemed like a perfect book for me. I love romance stories that are filled with angst, emotions, and gut-wrenching moments, so I decided to give this book a go. Okay, so this book is pretty much about two people, a guy named Lucian and a girl named Robbie, who are brought to live together in the same foster house when they were kids. Mind you, this Luc dude is a very emotionally distant person and keeps his thoughts and emotions all to himself. As a result, he cusses a lot, he does violent stuff, he keeps everybody at an arm’s distance. Enter Robbie, a twelve year-old little girl who recently just lost both her parents to a tragic land slide and now came to live with this foster family which Luc is currently living with. As the years gone by, they both got along pretty close. Luc becomes a sort of protector to Rob and Rob secretly loves Luc (She even offers herself up to him to snatch away her virginity which he refuses!). I’m not gonna spill all the detail story cause it just pisses me the fuck off even though the stories when they were teens are somehow sweet.

Anyway, eight years later, Rob is now twenty two years old, recently graduated from college. Meanwhile, Luc who had dropped out from high school several years ago now owns a bar or something like that. Luc misunderstands Rob’s love to him as some brotherly-sisterly kind of type, thus never takes any chance on her though he is also in love with her. Fast forward they finally get together and do their shit in bed and stuff. Mind you, I’m not good with words as to explain their sexual relationship so if you want to know their story, get the fuck outta here and read the goddamn book. Christ, this drives me nuts! Anyway, one day Rob gets an offer to do an internship in another city and if she takes the offer, she has to leave Luc for one year. At first she instantly rejects the offer cause she can’t leave Luc, not to mention they finally just had something real going on between them for a while (several weeks or so, I guess), but, you better follow me the fuck on this one! Are you with me?, Luc insists her on taking up the offer and that he will be just fine blah, blah, blah.

One chapter later she leaves for San Diego to do the internship, leaving Luc behind cut open and he keeps bleeding, keeps, keeps bleeding (haha…I got some musical interlude right there. Take that Leona, I just pushed you back there with my legendary vocal!) Anyway, since Luc (mind you a few sentences after this I will stop calling him Luc and will just go with dickhead) is frustrated and feeling lost, now try to get me understand this, why in the midst of his frustration and sadness, he has the nerve to think that Rob has abandoned him, I mean like really bitch? You gave her the permission to go there, you fucking dickhead! So, he went to this girl by the name of Payten or something (just from her name I know the bitch must be a problem, I can sense it you psychotic little slut!) and she tried to seduce him into having sex with her and guess what he did?! You got it right bitch! He fucked the shit out of this slut, real hard! God I don’t believe in slapping a woman, but Christ, if this fucktart of a woman existed in real life and lived in the neighborhood – but probably not cause she’s some rich ass cunt – I swear to God I’m gonna go get her, grab her by her ratchet ass fake platinum hair and gladly slit her throat open, I’m gonna brutally thrust one big ass knife into her vajajay she wished she would’ve been dead! But probably after doing such a thing it would make me one crazy ass psycho lunatic criminal or pervert and I would end up in prison spending the rest of my life just cause I brutally murdered a cunt of a woman. No. Fucking. Way. She and her miserable ass can go to hell. Now I know what you’re trying to do to me, Payten girl. You stink bitch, you stink! You’re tryna lure me into thinking that killing a bitch is not a problem and make me one criminal minded pervert. Uh-uh bitch, get the fuck outta my life! huh gotta need to stay on top of my mind, body and spirit!! Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh…

“Stop thinking with your dick” is definitely a cliché but fucking right on the spot to describe the situation. Fuck that, I don’t care about some drug-induced liquor and shit that the bitch put into your drink. My real question is, why the fuck did you even consider yourself fucking this slut while you’re dating Rob in the first place? Why, tell me why asshole?! Don’t but me, you have no right to make some excuses, just try to think to clean your own shit. Anyway, one day while dickhead and skanky cunt (that name suits her well! High five!) are having one of their mind-shattering fucks in dickhead’s apartment (they both claim to have some impressive sexual prowess by fucking relentlessly from morning till god knows what the fuck the time is), Rob, who wants to surprise dickhead, knocks the door, and guess who comes and open the goddamn door, barely clothed? Yep, you got it right! Payten motherfucking cunt! I am too through, I am too through!

As far as I like reading romance novels including the sexual intricacies in them, I just couldn’t summon the interest to read the fucking parts of dickhead and skanky cunt’s affair. The only reason I was reading them because I felt sorry for Rob, I almost felt like I was her friend and I had to find out what was going on between the two cold-hearted bitches. I ain’t gonna let them be free! Uh-uh, someone needs to stalk on them, hides somewhere under the bed or whatever where their fornication takes place, and just splash them with some liquid stuff where it can do some serious damage if their body got exposed to it, what the fuck do you call it? Whatever! They both will be so sorry afterward and wish they could’ve just crawled back inside their mommas’ wombs! I’m gonna torture you both and make you feel the excruciating pain both physically and mentally! Anyway, yeah, they both deserve that! I’m sorry I got too personal with this book, I know it’s just a fiction and it’s not real and I really don’t have any right to meddle with other people’s business, but this is all your fault Palliata woman, you tricked me into reading this book of yours and awakened the nosey ass beast I have inside me! This is all your fault!

Moving on, please bear with me cause I’m almost done. Soooooo, Luc suddenly ‘remembered’ his so-called L-O-V-E for Rob, yep you heard me right, he said and thought about the four-letter word he had for her. Excuse me, is this the right thing to do to someone you claim to love? By fucking around with bitches? If probably she has left you for let’s say one or two years alone, I would’ve understood your action, dickhead. You’re a man, used to be a VERY sexually active one before you hooked up with Rob, and two long years of dry spell gonna leave some serious case of blue balls on you bro. I would’ve maybe justified your action. But after one week? One fucking week? Seven days? 604,800 seconds? 168 hours? And you can’t keep your pants on? Really, dude? What kind of asshole are you? Now you claim to have some issues in the past blah, blah, blah. I don’t give a fuck! I am so damn aggravated by the notion of this book I am getting crazy myself!

Okay, fine! I promise to tone it down. Now, are you still with me? Okay, so after only one week Rob left Luc, he starts having an affair with skanky (I seriously forget her name, I swear! Is it pieta? pinata? Piedad? Something like that! See, how bad she is? No way I’m gonna forget names of good-hearted people. Her skankiness is rubbing off on me, lord had mercy!) and it lasts for several months. After that, Luc breaks it off with skanky and tries to reconcile with Rob. Now, after only seven days, of taking Rob out every single afternoon to some place special and sending her a bouquet of wild flowers for seven days in a row, why in the hell did she open up her heart again to this cold-hearted son of a bitch? Why? WHY? WHYYYYY???!! Answer me bitch, WHY?! Did I miss something here? Did something happen in the storyline that go unnoticed by me? Did all the affair thing has just been one big joke? A dream, maybe? No, bitch, NO! it is real as can be! It is so fucking real my heart is pounding so hard I wish I could kill both dickhead and skanky cunt! So, back to my point, she gets all horny and shit and ready to beg to him to fuck her! Ridiculous thing is, when she offers herself up to him, he refuses her telling her that they have to wait and get things straighten up between them before they can really start their relationship all over again. And guess what did she say to him? “But I don’t want to wait!” bitch, really? I mean, geez! Lord had mercy! Have some self-esteem girl! At least have some respect for yourself if not for women in general. I know deep down inside your heart you still love him, but my goodness, don’t start on offering yourself up to him like you’re nothing but a piece of disposable toilet paper. At least hold yourself back for a while, and try to mend the situation, settle some shit between you and Luc, then you can do whatever the fuck you want to do with him, to him, sexually. Now you all readers don’t try to go explain to me about the YOLO (you only live once) shit and that we might regret some things later if don’t just go for it, even though it means putting your ego for a while. I’m gonna yolo your ass up and down bitch! Let me finish this! Don’t try to brainwash me!

He obviously was given the chance to love her, to be faithful to her, to have her, why did he have to let it go in exchange for some temporary physical pleasure? She even promised not to ever leave him alone! But what did he do? tsk-tsk and now you want another chance? I don’t think so bitch! and while dickhead is trying to break things up with skanky, she doesn’t want to part ways with him! She wants to cling unto him like some wet ass monkey! And she has the audacity to ask him why did he didn’t come home last night (cause she actually had prepared some mind-blowing sexual surprise for him last night), she was like: “Who the fuck were you with last night?” I mean like, bitch you need to get your shit together! Go make some appointment with them psychiatrists and doctors cause you are one big mess, woman! I felt bad for you bitch, really. Cause even me, myself, couldn’t even bring myself to have some sympathy for you. Usually I would understand these types of bitches, who just have to do anything, whether or not it is right, in order to have what they want, but no bitch! For you, no mercy! Sorry, Pinata girl! Go beg some mercy from the Lord, cause your soul really needs to be purified and cleansed, bitch! Lord, so sorry I’m bringing up Your name into this but she really needs Your help. Please make her understand Your love for her, so she would stop seeking for acknowledgement and acceptance from others. Amen.

Okay now I’m gonna end this shit and continue reading this book. Mind you, I decided to make this rant before I finish reading the whole book from page one to the last page because I know, this Palliata woman, the writer, is gonna rationalize and justify the problem, the adulterer, the story so readers can finally have their happily ever after ending that almost every romance novel offer. So now it’s the right time to pause for a while, spill out all these negative emotions I am having and let’s just see whether later on I will really forget all the things that happened and give both Luc and Rob my blessing to be a happy couple. But for now, eat this shit, and know this: I don’t like Luc having an affair with skanky, no matter what the excuse is. I don’t wanna hear it. For once in my life I really want to hold on to my opinion and not be tolerant. Okay? This is what I think, it is I, not you, not linda, not piñata, not piedad, not johnny, not nobody, okay? You’re entitled to your own opinion, so just let me be! Over and out! Peace and blessing! Laterssss!!

One hundred and some pages later…

Okay, this story is sick! First of all, this Payten bitch really is crazy! Literally out of her goddamn mind y’all! She gets herself preggo with Luc’s baby (I am hoping, and wishing, and praying that the baby in her womb is a spawn of satan! Take that bitch!), you need to read this book for yourself to find out what happen with her pregnancy. And what’s even sicker? Luc decides to leave Rob, even after she offered herself up to him and accepted all his fault! Payten needs me, Payten this, Payten that…bitch bye! If I ever heard you mention this skanky cunt’s name one more damn time, I’m gonna bitchslap you across the face so hard because you’re being very ignorant! Okay you knocked herself up, doesn’t mean you have to marry the bitch, right? It doesn’t make you a bad person, NO! doesn’t mean if you didn’t marry the bitch, after the baby is born you won’t see it anymore, NO! see what I’m trying to explain to you?

Hmmmmm…this whole story is a plethora of fuckery it doesn’t make sense anymore! First of all, if I were this Payten bitch, I’m not gonna do everything I can just to get the man who doesn’t want me! It’s not like he’s Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise. I mean this bitch is pretty, smart, rich and she got an attitude, she can do her thing. She can practically have any man she wants. Why does she want to snatch away someone’s boyfriend? Okay he has some serious skill in bed, but that doesn’t make him the ‘only’ one with that particular skill, right? If you really, desperately need some serious fuckhead master of sex, why don’t you just go to some sex club or…I don’t know, hook yourself up with some pornstars or whatever. The answer is very simple. Because this Payten bitch is one helluva crazy bitch! Crazy doesn’t even begin to describe her! She is the epitome of madness. That’s why she starts doing all these crazy things!

Bottom line is I think this book is so-so. Not over the top. I don’t love it, but I also don’t dislike it either. Luc’s love to Rob doesn’t seem believable to me. Back to my argument again, if you really love someone, you wouldn’t break her heart by cheating on her. I mean, this Payten bitch puts some drugs or whatever into Luc’s drink, doesn’t mean he have to end up fucking her. When he snaps at Rob in the bar after the other bitch Kate drugged him up, he didn’t come home to fuck Payten. Instead he ended up sleeping at the bar. See? It doesn’t make sense. I think what this book is lacking of is the groveling. I don’t think Luc made enough effort to prove to Rob that he truly is sorry for what he did. And Rob needs to have some more backbone and get some self-respect. I don’t think any woman who has been cheated on before can really let go of the distrust issue completely. I think it needs time. Maybe only love can heal wounds, I don’t know. But yeah, I am done with this rant…bye.